


Why?

by em_etif



Series: BMC Angst One Shots [1]
Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: Angst, Confusion, Michael is overwhelmed, Stress, self hatred
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-19
Updated: 2019-05-19
Packaged: 2020-03-07 20:11:10
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,073
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18880390
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/em_etif/pseuds/em_etif
Summary: Why was it so hard to answer one simple question?





	Why?

**Author's Note:**

> Something I wrote to keep myself away from writing angst where it doesn't belong in my current main fic

Heavy. It felt heavy. His head, his eyelids, his chest, his fingers, his legs, his toes. They all felt just so heavy. Why? Why were they? Why just seems to be the question of the hour, doesn't it? Why everything.

It started with ‘ _why did the chicken cross the road?’_ Then _‘why do you need to leave right now?_ ’ and _‘why do I need to do homework?’_ to _‘why can’t I find this paper’, ‘why did I have to jam it into my folder’, ‘why wont my headphones work’, ‘why is this question so hard’, ‘why can't I focus’, ‘why is this so frustrating’, ‘why is school so hard’, ‘why do I need to try so hard for my future’, ‘why is this important’, ‘why am I thinking about this right now’. ‘Why is it getting hard to breathe’, ‘why did you have to leave me here’, ‘why did you ignore me’, ‘why is it getting harder to breathe’, ‘why didn’t I do something sooner’, ‘why did I pretend everything was ok’, ‘why can't I move’, ‘why did you have to traumatize me’, ‘why is it your fault’, ‘why it shouldn't be your fault- because it's mine’, ‘why can't i find a reason to stop’, ‘why does my head hurt’, ‘why can't this be over’, ‘why do I feel weird’, ‘why do I feel numb’, ‘why should I even care’, ‘why should I find any of this worth it’, ‘why do I feel so fucking empty inside’._

The question ‘why’ came so easily. Now, Michael was here. Asking himself _why_ as he sits in his roller chair, his nose pointed towards the ceiling. He didn’t want to move-- he couldn't move. His homework was in front of him. Maybe he should get back to that.

Michael moved to look at the sheet laying on his table. The movement of turning his head only brought forth more questions. He would have to ignore that for now. Homework was more important. With a sniffle, he brought his pen to the sheet so he could prepare himself to answer the question he was about to read. The question was ‘Why do you need to know a trusted adult?’ Why again. He shouldn’t even have these stupid questions to answer. It was self-awareness week-- the week before finals. _Oh. I need to study._ Stupid self-awareness week. He could just skip this question-- come back to it later.

He moved onto the next question; ‘Why is it important to give yourself reasons that you are valued?’ This worksheet is anonymous. Michael could just not turn it in tomorrow. His teacher would never know. Why did it have to ask why again? Why did he just ask why about asking why? Why did he do it again? Why again? _Ugh, my head hurts._

The next question. Maybe the next question is normal. ‘What do you do if you notice you or a peer is distressed?’ Good. No more ‘why’. _What do I do?_ Michael looked at the paper hard, trying to read something that wasn’t there. _What do I- What did I do?_ _Well, I cried is what._ Halloween really wasn’t the best if he did say so himself. _What did I do to make him tell me that? What did I do to deserve that?_ Scratch that. Michael had done a lot to deserve that. He did, didn’t he? He was a shit person anyway. Nobody actually liked him. The question was more like _What did I do to make me deserve him. Why was he even friends with me in the first place?_ Well, guess the why question is back.

Why did the why question come full circle? Well, maybe it's just because that’s all you can say; ‘ _why’._ For example: _Why is the earth dying?_ That was a stupid question since he already knew the answer. _Why did I have to ask myself that question? Why are people so mean to the planet? Why are people so mean to each other?_ That last question was genuine, at least. _Why was I ignored throughout high school? Why was I ignored throughout school in general? Why did I have to go to school?_ To get an education, he supposed, but _why?_ Oh, he still had his questionnaire.

_Why did I have to do this sheet again?_ That's right, it's self-awareness week. But, why was it self awareness week? Oh yeah-- finals were next week. That's right. _That's weird. Why did I forget about that?_ Well, at least he wasn't bringing ‘what’ back into the thought process. _What was I thinking about again?_ Shit. He had to jinx himself, didn’t he? God, questions were just so confusing. _What the fuck? Why the fuck? ….Who..? The.. Fuck?_ That's right, he was talking about someone. Who was he talking about again? _Oh. It was about Jeremy. Why Jeremy?_

Why Jeremy indeed. Why did Jeremy have to become Michael’s friend? _Why did Jeremy have to be so nice? Why did Jeremy get fed up with me? Why did Jeremy abandon me in the mall? Why didn’t Jeremy hear me when he said he would be back in five minutes? Why did Jeremy leave on purpose? Why did Jeremy start to pretend I ever existed? Why was Jeremy hanging out with all of those people? Why was Jeremy trying to act cool? Why did Jeremy look cool? Why did Jeremy have a girlfriend? Why did Jeremy block me out on purpose when he found out the squip had worked? Why did Jeremy call me looser? Why was Jeremy right? Why did Jeremy leave me in the bathroom all alone while the house burned down? Why did Jakes house burn down again? Why can’t I remember? Why did Mr. Heere convince me to try and get Jeremy back? Why did Jeremy pretend he actually was happy I saved him? Why did Jeremy hate me? Why…_ why. Why hurt. Why did it hurt. Why did it hurt?

_Why does it hurt? Why does it hurt so.. So bad?_ Maybe. Maybe that was the only question Michael knew the answer to. _Why it hurt so bad? Why does this pain not go away?_ It was easy. The answer was easy. The _feeling_ , the _emotion_ was so easy. The only problem-- the answer left him with only one more why. _Even after everything Jeremy Heere has done to me, why is it that I still love him?_

**Author's Note:**

> I'll probably end up adding more one-shots to this for whenever I wanna completely wreck a character but who knows man. It's too late (too early?) for this sksk


End file.
